Soundtrack review: NieR:Automata Original Soundtrack

Happy American Thanksgiving weekend, dear readers. Thanksgiving is a day of eating turkey, a bird whose meat is so god damn bone-dry when cooked that you are required to load it up with cranberry sauce and stuffing just to swallow it. It is also a day of announcing to a room full of relatives, most of whom you only see at Thanksgiving dinner, what you’re thankful for (most likely something generic you made up on the spot like family or your health.)

This year I’m thankful for owning a hard copy of NieR:Automata Original Soundtrack. It’s a triple album – a 3 disc set – and it’s still too short. The actual amount of music in NieR:Automata is something like seven hours if you include all the different versions of each track (versions that play during combat, 8-bit hacking versions, versions with and without vocals) which this album does not. That’s really my only complaint about this album: it should have been a boxset.

Are boxsets even a thing anymore? Am I showing my age? They were popular in the 90s, but now, I have no idea. You god damn kids and your social media.  Your TikTok.  What the fuck is TikTok even.  I’m terrified for the future if this is the kind of weird shit the new generation is going to be into.  America is finished.

Fine.  Let me put down the cane and whiskey and keep gushing about this music and about how much of a genius composer Keiichi Okabe is. He also wrote the soundtrack to the original NieR, and that was amazing, and so is this. It’s mostly a mix of powerful orchestral pieces and ambient-ish background tracks, all of which both suit and enhance the feel of the game. It’s hard to write about this music without writing about the game itself, in fact, the music being meshed so completely into the game’s fabric. That’s not to say you can’t enjoy this album without playing NieR:Automata, but pieces like Copied City, Birth of a Wish, or The Tower won’t carry the same emotional weight if you haven’t. I still feel like I’m missing some of the impact of the original NieR OST for just that reason.

2B can see through that blindfold thing she usually wears, but how can she see through the hair covering her left eye? This isn’t relevant to the soundtrack, just thought I would throw the question out there.

Did I say “emotional weight”? Yeah. I’m a very unromantic person in most ways, but the story and characters of NieR:Automata hit me in the feels, as they say (or used to say, anyway, a few years ago.) It’s a tragedy in the classical sense, and a good one, because it doesn’t use cheap tricks or ploys or plot devices to achieve its emotional effect – it makes it the hard way by making you care about its characters and its world. And just as Yoko Taro and his team had to work to write an emotionally resonant story, Okabe and his team had to work to write an emotionally resonant soundtrack. Music, like writing, shouldn’t resort to tired, cheap tricks (like the “moving” key change – the musical equivalent of killing the cute puppy in your story for the purpose of squeezing out tears.  I could write a whole essay about how fucking lazy and bad the key change is as most songs use it.) Okabe and his co-composers clearly know that and have the skill to pull off truly powerful music.

The credit isn’t all with Okabe and co., though. Emi Evans returns to sing on several tracks. She’s not as prominently featured as she was on NieR Gestalt & Replicant, but her work on tracks like Voice of No Return and A Beautiful Song is… well, it’s beautiful. Joining her on vocals is one J’Nique Nicole, whose voice has a different quality that contrasts nicely with Evans’. And of course there’s a choir on the payroll as well along with the orchestra. Shit, this soundtrack had to be expensive to record.

That’s all I have to say about this album.  It’s not that expensive for a triple album, and all the music is great, so it’s worth buying.  As with Nocturne, though, I’d suggest you play Nier:Automata first if you haven’t already so you can get the emotional context of the music, and also because it didn’t win all those Game of the Year awards for no reason.  You can consider this post to also be my review of the game, since I never got around to reviewing it last year.  Nier:Automata is worth every minute spent on it.

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Soundtrack review: Burn My Dread: -Reincarnation: Persona 3-

As usual, legal work has taken away almost all of my time, and I spend most of the remainder drinking and being angry or depressed.  Not the healthiest lifestyle, to be sure.  But I’ve at least had time to listen to a few more albums I bought last month cover to cover.  And now I’m reviewing them over the course of the next week, because now this is apparently a video game music/figure review site.  Hell, I haven’t written a review for an actual game in probably over a year now.  What’s wrong with me?

Anyway, this CD is titled Burn My Dread: -Reincarnation: Persona 3-. I have to guess those stupid dashes are part of the title of this album of Persona 3 soundtrack remixes.  Otherwise why would they print them on the cover?

I don’t have much else to say about this album, actually.  It’s a Persona 3 remix album.  It only has twelve tracks, though, and I could easily leave more than half of them.  Not that any of the tracks on Reincarnation are bad, but most of them don’t get my blood flowing.  P3 already has a great soundtrack, and most of the remixes here are inferior to the originals.  I especially miss the whispery female French vocals in “Changing Seasons”.  I know it’s a remix, but for fuck’s sake guys.  It was the best part of the song.

Now for the good: The piano and vocal-only “Poem for Everyone’s Souls” is nice; so is the harder-edged “Battle for Everyone’s Souls”.  And I really like the smoother version of “Deep Breath Deep Breath”.  Even if I’m not the biggest fan of Lotus Juice’s rapping, it sounds all right here.  If you’re a huge fan of the music of P3, this album is worth getting, but… I don’t know.  Don’t pay too much for it, even though it’s an import and you will pay too much.

Finally, I’ve got to make special mention of “When the Moon’s Reaching Out Stars”.  Not because the remix is that great, but because it keeps the lyric You gotta tell me your love came all over me.  It sounds dirty, doesn’t it?  The rest of the song doesn’t, but this one line does.  Maybe I’m just a pervert.

Soundtrack review: Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne Original Soundtrack and Maniacs Extra Soundtrack

As I wrote two posts ago, I was at a con last month where I ended up dropping a lot of money I don’t really have on several imported albums (as well as a few books that, uh, I can’t post here. Yes, they are basically what you think they are.)

Among my haul was the complete soundtrack of Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne, one of my favorite games, which comes in a double-CD set and a separate single CD. Why this division?  Because the original release of Nocturne, commonly known as the vanilla version, was fairly thin and didn’t include the Labyrinth of Amala or the fiend fights, which add about an extra third of game and plot content, an extra third of music, and a new ending to the game. This expanded version, known as SMT III Nocturne Maniacs in its home country, is the version we got here in North America simply as SMT: Nocturne and that our friends in Europe got as Lucifer’s Call. (Yes, this is the version featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series.)

What can you expect from these soundtracks? A mix of hard rock with some jazz influence, piano/organ/synth-dominated pieces, and synthesized orchestral music. In the first category are most of the battle themes (including “Normal Battle ~ Town”, my favorite of the whole soundtrack) and some of the boss themes.* Nocturne features almost a dozen battle themes in total, counting boss themes, meaning you won’t get absolutely sick of one theme that keeps repeating throughout (see “Mass Destruction” from Persona 3 for a good example of overused battle theme fatigue.) The second category contains nice contemplative pieces like “Apocalypse”, “Reunion With Master”, “Heretic Mansion”, “Mystery”, and the first part of “Tokyo Conception” before the organ and guitar come in. The orchestral stuff is smattered all over the game, featuring in overworld map themes and boss themes – “Fiend” from the extra soundtrack is one of the best of these tracks. I’m not always a big fan of synthesized music, but chief Nocturne composer Shoji Meguro and his associates use synths in a way that both fits and enhances the heavy atmosphere of the game.

There are extensive liner notes mostly written by Meguro in the main soundtrack on every piece, but I can’t read most of it and I can’t find a translation. It might just be time for me to learn how to read this damn language for real.

One of my favorite things about Nocturne is that although it deals with an apocalypse (you might have guessed from the fact that there’s a piece on the soundtrack named “Apocalypse”) said apocalypse takes place near the beginning of the game. The focus of Nocturne is not the destruction of the old world, as it would be in a typical JRPG, but rather the creation of a new world based upon the ideals of the few surviving humans. The main setting of Nocturne is the Vortex World, a mostly ruined Tokyo enclosed inside a sphere – imagine that the surface of the Earth is on its inside instead of its outside and that the Earth is only something like 20 or 30 miles in diameter. The Vortex World is filled with demons and the scattered spirits of humans left behind after the end of the world. Kagutsuchi, a god of fire, shines in the middle in the form of a burning sphere, sort of like a very small sun. The entire setting is both otherworldly and bizarre, but it all works, thanks to the game’s visual design and to its soundtrack. Shoji Meguro’s music is a big part of why Nocturne is one of my favorite games.

That said, you might not get the same kind of enjoyment I got out of listening to these pieces on their own if you haven’t played the game. They are mostly excellent, but a lot of the value of the soundtrack comes out of its association with the game. Since Nocturne is a great game anyway (and not as reliant on cheap shots as some people seem to think it is – that’s a subject for another post) you’re better off playing it before binging straight on the music. You’ll have a better time with it that way.

Make friends with a fairy, punch God in the face, create a new world.  The life of a Megaten protagonist is more fun than mine.

One more note about the Nocturne soundtracks.  There is a CD floating around simply titled Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne Original Soundtrack that looks like it was printed for the western market.  I’ve never seen a physical copy, but the Megaten wikia page suggests it was provided as a bonus with the NA release of Nocturne.  In any case, it has tracks from both the vanilla core and the extra Maniacs parts of the game, but if the tracklist posted on the wikia page is accurate, the CD doesn’t contain anywhere near the game’s full soundtrack – it only lists 33 tracks, while the JP vanilla soundtrack alone has 49 tracks.  An abridged soundtrack is pretty good as free bonuses go, but it seems like quite the ripoff if you’re paying for it separately.  Just a warning in case you ever come across it.

Oh yeah, and happy Halloween.  I guess.  I’m spending my Halloween drinking whiskey and playing Disgaea 1 Complete.  I don’t need any friends, you hear me? 𒀭

 

* Most of these battle and boss themes are actually vocal tracks.  I didn’t realize this on my first playthrough, probably because the vocals are garbled and distorted so badly, but that barking in the background is in English, and you can make out some lines if you listen closely.

Don’t drink and go to Amazon

So, some explanation is in order. I was out with a friend drinking on Friday night after a week at the legal grind, and we got a little farther gone than usual. I ended up getting home late and then drinking a lot of seltzer straight out of the bottle as I am wont to do when I’m in that state before passing out for good. The weekend proceeded normally. Monday morning I returned to work, and what should I have found when I returned home but a box from Amazon.

The problem: I wasn’t expecting a box from Amazon.

Yes, I ordered and paid for this Aigis (or Aegis, as she’s called here) figure in the “Parfom” line I bought through Amazon Prime on my phone that night, a fact that only came to my attention after I checked my order history on Amazon. I dropped $70 on it.

The Latin phrase In vino veritas, or “In wine, truth”, is a popular one. I tell outrageous and unbelievable lies about myself when I drink too much, so maybe it doesn’t apply to me in a certain sense. In a deeper and more profound sense, however, the saying is definitely true for me. I wanted to buy this figure of my robotic waifu from Persona 3, and I only had the nerve to do so when I was wasted.  Because fuck the electric bill.

The back of the box is interesting.  Mostly in Japanese, which makes sense – one of the few bits of English printed on it states that this product may only be sold in Japan, which… I don’t live in Japan, so I guess they aren’t enforcing this rule too closely.  Then again, it is in “like new” condition, so it must have been resold.  At any rate, Aigis had already made her way to the US when I ordered this, because it shipped over the weekend with Prime.  I won’t worry about it, though, because according to the box:

Now that’s some prime Engrish.  Will I receive a happiest moment, however?  We’ll see.  This figure was made by a manufacturer called Phat! in conjunction with Good Smile Company, the latter of which also makes the high-quality Nendoroid line of figures (a.k.a. those far far superior versions of Funko Pops that are also a lot more expensive) so I think I probably will.

Before we take Aigis out of the box, there’s one more piece of English text to examine here.

At first, I misread this warning and got sad and slightly ashamed of myself.  But then I noticed that there’s a period between “toy” and “for”.  You’ll see it if you squint.  See, Mom?  It’s not a toy, and it’s not for kids.  The box says so.  Just… just leave me alone!

After some struggling to get her to attach to the stand, here she is, looking ready for action.  This Aigis figure is sort of an intermediate design between the realistically proportioned Figma figures and the super-deformed Nendoroids.  Just like a lot of those figures, this one is extremely posable and comes with different faces and various hand attachments.  Aigis being a weaponized android, she has both regular hands and gun-finger hands, and also cannon, giant fist and rifle attachments for her right arm that I can’t figure out how to get on yet without breaking her arm clean off.  Let’s try changing out her facial expression, at least.

Is it a terrifying abomination from one of your nightmares?  No, it’s just Aigis without her face.  I wonder if she can canonically take her face off like this.  Nice trick to play on the SEES crew, though she might scare the dog.

That’s better.  Her other expression is a pretty cool-looking pissed off, but I like this one best.  Aigis is hanging out on my desk in this form now, keeping watch.

So, I guess the point of this post is to not log onto Amazon when you’re drinking.  Except I’m not really unhappy with the result of my boozed up Amazon misadventure because I actually really like this figure.  I do like Nendoroids a lot – the only two other figures I own are Nendoroids – and this is sort of a larger, differently-apportioned version of that sort of figure.  And I couldn’t ask for a better gift from my inebriated self than a figure of Aigis, even if that lousy fucker did spend $70 on it that I should probably have spent elsewhere.  Like on food.  It’s a myth that all lawyers are rich.  Good God do I wish it were not a myth, but it is.

(My) top five most nostalgic video game tracks

For those of you who were wondering, I’m still alive (I know one of my recent posts might have put that into question.) Since I quit my last job, I’ve been working as a contractor, which a lot of people don’t realize is something a lawyer can do. I’ve been told this work will be a black mark on my resume, but I don’t care. I’m not that suicidally depressed anymore, and I’m making just as much money as I was making before. What the hell is wrong with that?

Since I’ve been driving around a lot, that time mostly spent sitting in big city rush hour traffic, I’ve also had time to listen to a lot of new music. And since I attended a con last month and bought a stack of imported albums, this arrangement has worked out nicely for me. I’ll be writing some posts about the albums I picked up and why you might or might not want to check them out yourself, but first I’d like to share a list of video game BGM tracks that hold a lot of nostalgic power for me. These aren’t my favorite game tracks ever, but rather those that take me back to a simpler time when I was still pretty miserable, but in a different way than I am now.

1) Phantasy Star Online – Image of Hero

Anyone who played the Dreamcast MMORPG Phantasy Star Online has this song permanently stored in his head like I do. It’s one of my favorite character creation menu themes ever (or at least one of the few I remember, which says a lot in itself.) The soundtrack to PSO is an all-around great one, especially for the level of pure atmosphere it adds to the game’s environments.

BONUS SONG/GAME FACT: The first character I made while hearing this song for the first time was a FOnewearl (basically PSO-speak for a female elf mage) because I thought she was cute. Turns out she was perhaps one of the hardest characters to figure out how to use, so I switched over to the boring default HUmar. The FOnewearl is still cute, though. Especially in PSO2, which I can’t fucking play because it’s all in Japanese and you have to run it through a Japanese proxy and I can’t figure that shit out.

hella cute

2) OutRun – Magical Sound Shower

I’ve written about the OutRun BGM before, but this particular piece packs the biggest nostalgic punch for me, maybe because it’s the default track that plays when you start a race. The other two racing tracks on the BGM are just as good, though. There’s something about the Genesis sound chip that gives the best music made with it this classic 90s feel. There’s also plenty of really godawful shitty Genesis songs that are trying to be funk and failing miserably for some reason.

BONUS SONG/GAME FACT: A vocal version of “Magical Sound Shower” was included in the PS4 rhythm game Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA Future Tone sung by Miku herself. SEGA owns both properties, so they presumably didn’t have to pay for the rights. Here’s to saving money on licensing fees.

3) Final Fantasy VII – Still More Fighting

Final Fantasy VII is not my favorite game ever. It’s not even in my top ten or top twenty. It’s a good game, but it’s not the best FF title, and it’s definitely overrated. But I still listen to FF7’s soundtrack. Uematsu is a damn genius, and watching my older cousin play this game on Christmas 1997 was the first I heard his work. I have a special love for this track, basically the game’s midboss theme. Sounds extremely early 70s proggy, somewhat like Emerson, Lake & Palmer. I’d say that Final Fantasy music even played a part in getting me into 70s prog and fusion in high school. Yeah, I was a pretty popular kid.

BONUS SONG/GAME FACT: Cloud’s Buster Sword is stupid and impractical but it’s still cool.

4) Sonic the Hedgehog 2 – Chemical Plant Zone

I’ve written about this song in particular before, but I’m doing it again. The classic Genesis Sonic games (1, 2, 3&K – Sonic Spinball is a mediocre mess with a bad-to-middling soundtrack) will always hold a special place in my heart.* These are some of the first video games I ever really played in a meaningful way, exploring levels and finding ways to exploit the mechanics. Each game also has fantastic background music. The BGM for Sonic 1 and 2 was written by Masato Nakamura, songwriter for Dreams Come True, a Japanese pop/rock band, and he clearly put a lot of work into projects that might have been otherwise dismissed as music for some dumb kid’s games. “Chemical Plant Zone” is maybe the piece of his that’s most ingrained in my mind.

BONUS SONG/GAME FACT: Michael Jackson did not write this song, in case you didn’t read the above paragraph. Mike is rumored to have written some of the Sonic 3 soundtrack, though.

EXTRA BONUS SONG/GAME FACT: The background to Chemical Plant Zone is used in the intro of Red Letter Media’s parodic “Nerd Crew” Youtube videos. It also makes for a good wallpaper, courtesy of this guy on Reddit:

Is this vaporwave? I can’t tell anymore

5) Grandia II – A Deus

This last entry is a little different from the rest in that it’s a vocal piece. The limited technology of the late 80s/early 90s consoles wouldn’t have allowed for this kind of track in a game, but the Dreamcast did. This piece is very closely tied to the plot and characters of Grandia II, a god damn classic that I reviewed here – it’s a hymn sung by Elena, one of the game’s central cast. In fact, it’s player character Ryudo’s first introduction to Elena, which turns out to be a real “jaded sarcastic bounty hunter meets bright-eyed innocent girl” kind of situation. The lyrics of “A Deus” are in Portuguese, which from what I understand is mangled pretty badly by the Japanese singer. But she still has a beautiful voice, and it’s still a beautiful song.

Later on in the game, this happens. I don’t remember the context.

BONUS SONG/GAME FACT: I miss my Dreamcast.

* Specifically the left ventricle.

Politics, video games, and “nerd culture”

A while ago, I read an article published by Vice. This article titled “I Watched ‘The Simpsons’ for the First Time Ever and I Couldn’t Stand It” was written by one Nicole Clark, a self-proclaimed millennial who takes great offense at several classic Simpsons episodes produced over 20 years ago for not being sufficiently politically correct.

This character is meant to be taken seriously as a role model and a hero, not as a satirical criticism of middle class American society

I won’t get into how badly Miss Clark misses the point of The Simpsons, or how many times she comes off like an alien who doesn’t understand the concept of satire or of humor in general. Others picked apart her arguments well enough already months ago; there’s no need for me to pile on. What I want to address is rather her use of shaming as a technique to make you, the reader, feel bad for enjoying something she does not. At the end of the article, as though she were anticipating this, Clark writes “[i]f you love The Simpsons and the show is special to you, that’s great,” but this statement is overshadowed by the subtitle of the article and by the priggish tone of it in general. “How did you people put up with Homer’s nastiness for so long?” She asks. How could you? Get on my level of wokeness.

Criticism is well and good, but this is a step beyond mere criticism of the work – it is an attack on the fans of the work.  Such attacks are becoming more and more common in pieces about video games written by contributors to big-name sites like Polygon and Kotaku, especially with regard to the writer’s perception of the game’s treatment of female characters. (Let’s not even mention Cracked, which you can visit to learn, on a nearly daily basis, 5 Reasons Why [fill in title of popular video game/movie/TV show] is Sexist and Why You’re a Sexist for Enjoying It.) And the weapon used by the writer to attack the fan is shame. It is absolutely shameful that such a game would be released here.  Shameful that you would enjoy such a disgusting, awful work.  It’s a bad game, and by extension, you’re a bad person for enjoying it. I’m a millennial just like Miss Clark, and I find this sort of church lady attitude being expressed by a lot of people in my generation.

This September is All Gifs Month here on the site

Friends, family, and readers alike know that I am absolutely not a fan of President Donald Trump. The guy is an incompetent shithead if his performance over the last 20 months is any indication, and as an American citizen living in the US and being directly affected by his bullshit I am not happy about it. After Mr. Trump won the election, I looked into getting involved in active political opposition, but two things stopped me. The first was the fact that I had a government job at the time that prevented me from taking a partisan stance in public. The second was some of the batshit insanity being spewed forth from the American left. While I agree with many of the left’s policy goals*, I just can’t bring myself to join them as a card-carrying member because I hate their insistence upon total political and cultural orthodoxy. And because I do not believe that artists should be shamed into silence or self-censorship just because their creations might hurt some people’s feelings, or because it’s controversial in the “wrong way.”

It greatly concerns me to see left-wing priggishness and self-righteousness seeping into what was once a safe haven for misfits like me. This transformation might even be having an effect on games and media imported from Japan, where this movement doesn’t seem to exist at all – games end up arriving Stateside with objectionable content censored or cut out entirely. This is nothing new, but conservative religious and parents’ groups used to be the driving force behind the censorship. Now the politically opposite social justice warriors can join the censorship party. The result is a modern “nerd culture” with all the sharp edges sanded down, all the rough bits smoothed out. It’s pleasant and inoffensive and doesn’t require a lot of critical thought. It’s walls of Funko Pop figures and old episodes of The Big Bang Theory. In the end, it can’t be called anything other than corporate. Any art, any expression too weird, too dangerous, has to be buried – that sort of stuff isn’t good for business, because it makes that lucrative “nerd culture” look too bizarre to be marketable.

So what’s to be done? Most big publishers are going to play it safe by succumbing to loud-mouthed interest groups on the left and right and keeping anything too controversial out of their games. We can only rely upon those publishers willing to take chances, as well as the still sort-of-underground independent game development community, which is all about taking chances. There are quite a few games I’m looking forward to from indie developers like Yuppie Psycho and YIIK. The left- and right-wing self-appointed content police will always exist, and they’ll always be trying to ruin other people’s fun to make themselves feel superior, but I’m optimistic about the future of video and PC games because I know that true creativity can never be stifled – not completely. 𒀭

* I’ve never gone into much depth about my political views here, but now that my country is standing on the precipice of utter fucking insanity this seems as good a time as any. I believe in closing corporate tax loopholes, increasing spending on healthcare and public education, maintaining and improving environmental regulation, and maintaining the wall of separation between church and state. All of these are center-left to left domestic policy platforms in the US. The left wing of the Democratic Party that intersects with the fringe Democratic Socialist party is also the only political wing in the US that expresses any support at all for the Palestinian cause, which is something I care about deeply. I just have a problem with the attitudes that many leftists in the US express about art and expression and with their holier-than-thou attitude in general. They value art for its political and social value – hell, I do too – but they also view art for art’s sake as suspicious, as self-indulgent. If you’re not using your art to make a positive political or social statement, it’s implied, you’re part of the problem. In a broader sense, they see any sort of compromise as a betrayal, and they seem to always be looking for something to be offended by – as if our current president doesn’t give them enough material. These sorts of attitudes are part of what separates liberals from socialists – and what separates democrats from authoritarians, both on the left and the right.

Everything is bad for you

It’s mid-August, which means it’s time for my quarterly post. I was originally going to write about the new artbook I bought – Shigenori Soejima & P-Studio Art Unit: Art Works 2010-2017, featuring the art of Persona character designer Shigenori Soejima. I was going to tell you about how it’s filled with beautiful pieces of art and sketches of characters from Persona 3Persona 4Persona 5, from their various spinoffs, and from other Atlus titles like Catherine. About how it features interviews with Soejima and other members of the P-Studio art team that I can barely read because they’re all in Japanese, and about how I’ll probably buy the English version if this book is ever translated and have a redundant copy on my shelf.  And about how even though I love the book’s cover, I thought the decision to print its title in silver was pretty stupid, because the color blends in with Futaba’s white and silver shirt.  (Fortunately, the text is printed not on the cover itself but rather on the dust jacket, which is transparent.  Still looks weird.)

Somewhere along the way, I ran off course. I started thinking about the purpose of this site. I started Everything is bad for you (a name I probably came up with while I was either drunk or sleep-deprived, because I can’t explain the reasoning behind it at all now) five years ago, just before entering law school. I had no real direction in my life – I was attending law school because I managed to get into a pretty good school, and to attend it fairly cheaply, and because it seemed like a thing to do. Two years into the profession at this point, I’m just about where I began. I still have no direction. There’s nothing I really want that I can realistically get from either my personal or professional lives, and when you’re working hard in a life that you don’t care about it becomes difficult to even get out of bed in the morning. I don’t have a family to support yet, but soon enough, I’ll have my relatives trying to fix me up with someone, since my relatives are undoubtedly already wondering about me (imagine whatever you’d like about what they’re wondering, but it’s not hard to guess.) Of course, I could tell them all to fuck off, but then I’d become completely isolated from almost all of my family. Something in me won’t allow that. So I get to go on living a life that I don’t enjoy – and not only do I have to keep living it, but I have to look like I’m enjoying it. It’s not easy to put on that act every day.

Those of you who are still reading this mess of complaints might have no idea what I’m talking about. Or you might think I’m just whining about “first-world problems” and feel that I’m simply ungrateful for what I have. So much the better for you if you don’t understand what I’m saying. To be very honest, I’m not writing for you and I never will. I’m writing for the other kind of person – the kind who feels like an outsider, the way I always have. I’m writing for the kind of person who looks at the prospects of living a conventional life and feels sick, but who has no other choice.

So why this site? It’s an escape. Just like playing video games, or reading novels, or buying artbooks, or drinking whiskey or gin after dinner, probably to excess. Each of these are ways for me to escape not only from the present but also from the future, and I probably don’t need to tell you how futile that is.  Since I’m already being honest, I will admit that I’ve had suicidal thoughts throughout my adult life – thoughts I’ve thankfully never acted on, and at this point that I most likely never will act on.  These thoughts are usually not at the front of my mind, but every so often they emerge.

Tonight is the beginning of Eid Al-Adha, the Feast of the Sacrifice.  The closest western parallel I can think of to this holiday is Thanksgiving with a religious dimension – this Eid mainly involves having a feast with family and giving charity.  It’s a day to be grateful for what you have.  So why can’t I feel that way?

Two pages from Soejima Art Works 2010-2017. Miku is technically a Persona character because she was featured in DLC for Persona 4: Dancing All Night, which is a pretty good game for a fanservice-filled spinoff.

I never wanted to make a personal post on this site, but it seems that in the end I couldn’t avoid it.  I don’t know how I’ll face a future that I don’t really want.  The only thing I know for sure is that I’ll keep writing.  I thought about quitting this site entirely, but I can’t bring myself to do it.  As long as my writing connects with someone, it will be worth the effort, and it will keep me going through this vale of tears that we call life.  I might even try some fiction soon, though it will probably turn out to be lousy hackwork.

Sorry for being so dramatic.  Shigenori Soejima & P-Studio Art Unit: Art Works 2010-2017 is a good artbook, and you should buy it.  Still pretty cheap on Amazon and weeb-centric marketplaces like Tokyo Otaku Mode.  Feel free to leave your thoughts below if you decide to go for it.  God willing, I’ll stick around and keep writing here and on my other site that I’ve been neglecting.  I’ll try not to make it another two-month break.  In the meantime, no matter what your religious beliefs are or whether you have any, I wish you a happy Eid and hope the rest of the year goes your way.

Edit (8/26/18): Thought about taking this post down, but I decided I won’t.  Even if it is self-indulgent or looks like it’s fishing for sympathy.  I know there are other people out there, espcially people in our hobby/subculture/whatever, who carry around a lot of bitterness or just plain apathy about the world and their place in it and who have a hard time finding meaning in living a life that feels predetermined.  Sorry for bringing the mood down with this one, but I was in an especially bad place mentally when I wrote it.  I’ll be my usual cheery self next post.